The Claw

So. I've never had cramp. Ever. (Cramp from exercise that is... But let's not get into that.) And I certainly didn't think I was prone to it since just two days ago Discovery concluded that I had a 'healthy salt intake' and was exercising a sufficient number of hours per week.

Arrived at my spinning class yesterday ready to roll, and friend and I took on a strenuous 45-minute class. I must mention here that I had a.) worn high heels at work all day, b.) been late for the class so didn't get to warm up, and c.) was feeling particularly dehydrated after having popped a number of pain killers during the day for a headache. I'm not sure that any of these points have anything to do with what was to come... But I like to think they contributed somewhat. I need something to cling on to.

After class I was following the instructor's stretches when suddenly my foot started to feel a little strange. 'Strange' in the sense that I literally felt like it had taken on a life of its own and started curling in on itself. Beginning to very mildly freak out, I left the class, but could barely walk since I seemed to have no control whatsoever over my foot's movements! As if it had totally detached itself from my body. When I finally reached my car I pulled off my shoe and saw that my foot had turned into some sort of mutant claw!!!!

OMG.

I had to keep straightening it out with my hands. But then it would seize and just curl in again.

WTF!!!!!

It was at this point that I came to the conclusion that an alien life form had taken over my foot.

The car guard looked terrified when he heard me screaming at The Claw –
'WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY FOOT!??!?!'

I grabbed my phone and BBM'ed Personal Trainer Friend (PTF)...

Me: HELP! OMG. My foot has gone loopy!
PTF: What?!
Me: I think I have cramp! OMF! What the f*** is going on!!!!!!!!
PTF: Ok relax Olive, you need to do some stretches. The same you do for your calf, then get home and drink some salt water.
Me: Are you mad? – I can't drive!!! If I press the pedal my foot folds in on itself. It's like a bloody sea anenome!

After much deliberating, half laughing about the situation and half crying from the pain, I managed to do some stretches against my car door, wearing only one shoe (much to all all the onlookers' amusement), and PTF warned me (while trying to hide his own amusement) to NOT point my foot or it'll just cramp more. Somehow I got home, driving with a flexed foot, but when I got to my carpark I could not put my shoe back on! If I bent The Claw to get it into the shoe it would just seize up again!!! This was getting ridiculous. Had to shamefully hobble past Hot Trainer and his client with one shoe on my way up to my flat. 'Don't ask.'

PTF: Have you made it home?
Me: Just! ...OMF I don't have any salt!!!
PTF: Oh dear. Energade?
Me: No!! WTF am I gonna do?! I'M GONNA DIE! MY FOOT IS GOING TO FALL OFF! I SHALL BE FOOTLESS! 'You want those pairs of shoes m'am?' 'No just the one please!!!!' 'You've really put your best foot forward Olive. Oops that's your only foot!' OMG!
PTF: Relax.
Me: I'm a heartbeat away from downing a shaker of Spur Seasoning Salt...
PTF: Do it!

So I did. Literally.

PTF: I'm laughing so much right now.
Me: Stop laughing at me!
PTF: This is hysterical.
Me: I'm glad you derive so much pleasure from my pain!
PTF: I really do Olive.

Spent the next hour trying to shower and get ready for a dinner date (for which I was phenomenally late) while trying to keep my retarded foot flexed and gulping down glasses of Spur Seasoning Salt-flavoured water.

REALLY?!?!?