More cheese, please

So I often do restaurant reviews. Food and writing are my passion… as are the free meals. I try organise them at the end of the month – when money's tight and the only thing in my fridge is a bag of frozen peas. Last night I took my friend to a new wine and tapas bar. It was a lovely little spot indeed. So, generally, reviews are free – a complimentary 3-course dinner during which I am treated like royalty, offered every dish on the menu by the Chef himself, and 9 bottles of wine. So naturally I assumed this last night.

Friend and I listen to and ogle handsome young waiter as he recommends wines and brings us various tasters. Thinking they were being so kind offering us so many free glasses we truly seize the moment and knock back a good four or five. Come the time to order food and handsome young waiter recommends various cheese boards, charcuterie boards, breads and spreads. We order them all. As one would do at a review... when you don't need to pay and you want to really get an idea of the food. Three boards of cheeses and meats, bowls of olives and nuts and all the wine later...

Olive: Wow that last dessert wine...
Friend: Amazing! Did you see the price tag on that baby.
Olive: I couldn't look directly at it.
Friend: Ok, so how does this work?
Olive: Well, I usually just say, 'Thank you for a fantastic evening, we're going to head off.' And then we get up and leave.
Friend: Excellent.

Waiter: Did you enjoy your meal?
Olive: We loved it... Thank you so much for everything, the food was delicious and it was such a wonderful evening. We're going to head off...

Friend and I start to gather our things.

Waiter: Ah, it's our pleasure. Was lovely to have you. Let me just grab you the bill.
Olive: BILL?
Waiter: What?
Olive: Er, I said if you will... That would be great.

Waiter leaves.

Shit.

Olive: Should we make a run for it?
Friend: Don't be silly.
Olive: Silly? We ate everything on the menu! I can barely afford the bowl of nuts.

Waiter: Here we are. We look forward to your review! (Walks away)
Friend: Jesus, were they chicken nuggets or gold nuggets?
Olive: The price of the bloody wine is the same as the year it was made in!

We hesitantly hand over our 'savings' cards and strip them of their worth. I felt sick. I'm pretty sure with the amount we paid they could go ahead and extend the balcony, and hire a horse and cart to tranport customers to and from their cars. I don't feel like writing about them anymore. Won't be eating till payday. Well, except for those peas.