'Some guys have all the sun'

I need a tan.

Am actually translucent.

When I'm in the bath you can't even see me!

Have officially removed all white clothing from my cupboard and stowed it in a basket under the bed (the basket in which I keep things I never want to see again). If I wear white, I look naked. When I wore white two days ago, a colleague said she didn't want to come close because she didn't want to 'catch whatever I have!'

I'm one of those people that unless I've had sun (after which my hair goes a lovely, pretty blonde and my skin a jolly 'olive' colour), I look like I have a terminal illness. My face is drained of colour. An apparition. If i said 'Boo' to a five-year-old, he'd probably wet his pants.

I also feel so unhealthy when I lack vitamin K. So, at the very first glimpse of summer (anything above 20 degrees will do at this rate) you will find me here, marinading in tanning oil:

The rays will no doubt reflect off my pallid form at first. But just give me two weeks. Summer's version of The Jolly Olive will be back in no time.

Maybe we'll spot Beanie there, tanning his noggin...