Back to school, back to reality...

Step Daddy went out yesterday and purchased himself a pair of green skinny jeans. Considering he has also lost so much weight recently (manorexia), Mother now officially calls him The Chive. Tried to call her this morning but no answer, 2 minutes later I get a text:

'Can't answer. The Chive still sleeping.'

Anyway, so am back from New York! 

I couldn't write this week... Jet lag encompassed all. By day, I had to staple open my eyes from exhaustion. By night I was full of beans, cartwheeling round my flat and talking to myself. Day 5 and I finally slept and today feel like I'm on some sort of yellow brick road to normality (yes, I saw Wicked on Broadway). I think my brain was in overdrive from processing all the sights, sounds, colours, excitement and Dom Perignon of NYC.

Jet lag does bad things to good people. On Monday I reversed into somebody's car. On Tuesday I took two sets of pain killers because I forgot I'd taken the first set. On Wednesday I watched the same episode of The Lying Games three times before I realised they were quite similar. Yesterday I spoke to a friend for 2 minutes before I realised who it was.

This morning, someone at work asked me if I was still jetlagged since I'd been playing and singing along to Christmas music all week? I had to explain that that wasn't actually out of the ordinary for me.

So this is just a quick note to say:

 WELCOME HOME TO MEEEEEE

I am finally hitting the town tonight with all my girls. I refused to embrace the Mother City until I'd got NYC out of my system. So bring it ON!

I leave you with some further snapshots of New York! Start spreading the news...

 Circle Line Cruise round the Statue of Liberty

 Views from my friend's apartment

 Leaping for joy (in my new blue heels)

 Central Perk... I mean Park!

 Just because I have such a cool camera

 Took a Broadway Jazz class here!

  Saw this!

 Night out on the town.

Empire State Building

Start spreading the news...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy... packing... coz am off to this place tomorrow ------>

...yup, that's right. And won't be back for two whole entire weeks! That's like a year in dog years!

I might just NEVER come back.

Jealous much?

Unfortunately packing is proving a little more challenging than expected since the weather in New York has decided to go from 30 degrees one week, to 20, and now dropping to a whopping 5 degrees and rainy. This has resulted in my spreading out the contents of my entire wardrobe across my 4m by 4m studio apartment and flipping a coin to help me to decide whether I pack for winter or for summer. (Also, I lost said coin in sea of clothing.) This morning, after wading through jeans, tops, coats, boots, jerseys, scarves, gilets, jackets, skirts, dresses, shorts, socks, bras... to front door, left for work with mismatched pumps and a pair of lace knickers attached to my jeans. Thank goodness Hot Trainer didn't spot me on my way to the car...

So, the Big Apple...

Picture a VERY Jolly Olive sporting gold stilettos and a mink coat, knocking back cosmos and getting my flirt on with dashing celebs in high-end clubs. Although, I'm far more likely to be found inhaling pizza slices, sporting a Knicks vest and rocking out at the Broadway Dance Center.

But I am seeing this: SLEEP NO MORE
And I got me one of these: NYC CITY PASS

So I'm ready to roll.

I'll catch y'all on the rebound.

Underwear Mare

So the other day, the most shameful thing happened. Possibly even more embarrassing than my naked stint with the neighbours during the heatwave (see The Naked Truth).

As I was leaving work, I decided to do a sneaky change in the car for gym – I don't own a lock and it saves time. In the car park at work I whipped off my jeans only to find that I had forgotten to pack my gym pants. Bugger. I'd have to pop home to pick those up. Started to drive home in my knickers when realised I'd have to put my jeans back on to run up to my flat so pulled them on at the next traffic light and continued to drive home, singing my heart out to Jason Mraz's 'I Won't Give Up'.

Arrived home and hopped out car, and bumped straight into one of my neighbours – 'Hot Trainer' I call him (not to his face), since he runs training sessions in our 'garden', and is often out there in a wife beater pumping dumbbells, his biceps glistening beneath the evening sun.

As he came over to say hi, I suddenly became aware of the fact that when I pulled on my jeans in the car, I hadn't done them up!!!

SHIIIIIT

It's not like I could just suddenly do them up mid convo. So, I stood there... Literally... through a 5-minute chat.. the front of my jeans wide open, fucshia and flourescent green 'flamingo' underwear staring him straight in the face. Tried to strategically hold my hangbag over the area, but it was simply too late. I caught him glimpsing at my crotch, his eyebrow raise, before his eyes quickly darted back to mine and a half smirk appeared on his face...

There was nothing I could do.

He knew it.

I knew it.

We knew it together.


Massive pink elephant.

Or pink flamingos in my case...

Safe to say half the neighbourhood has either seen me naked or in my knickers. Great. 

*Happy Easter*

I bid you farewell – I'm off to Johannesburg for a family fun-filled Easter. Mother always gets a little over egg-cited and buys chocolates for Africa... (Luckily she only likes Lindt!) This year I asked if I could substitute some of my eggs for a MAC bronzer. She was not enthused and told me I was killing the spirit of Easter. I told her without bronzer I look like a bloody spirit.

She caved.

HAPPY EASTER

Jeepers Creepers

I reached an all-time low last night.

Was heading out to sups when I was stopped in my tracks by a charming geriatric in my block of flats, who told me that two flats in our building had been broken into the previous day. I don't take this kind of shit lightly so I instantly started to panic. He told me not to worry, but just to be careful.

NOT TO WORRY?!?!

As I drove to dinner I decided, due to my extreme fear, I would have to break my no-drinking streak this week and smash a glass of wine or three to calm me down. But calm down I did not.

We arrived at the boys' house and enjoyed a lovely chorizo pasta dinner then settled down in front of the tele to watch tonight's scary movie: Jeepers Creepers.

 HOLY. CRAPNESS.

Have you ever watched that thing?! Demon Crow Man cuts off heads and eat tongues, and sews the heads back on. I don't think I've ever been that petrified in my life. Vivi&Lola lasted all of 15 minutes before going home to watch Care Bears and eat candy floss. I stuck it out for a further 20 minutes and realised that all I could think about was my flat being broken into and me coming home to said Demon Crow Man waiting to chop me up.

I raced to my car and began to freak out hysterically. Who could I call at 10:30 at night? With no dashing boyfriend to come to my rescue, my mother currently on a flight to London, my father - naked and in bed every night by 6pm, and step daddy probably out on the town, there was only one person left to call...

My landlord, BEANIE (if you don't know the story of Beanie, read this then this)!!!

Beanie: Er, hi Olive?
Olive: Hello. (Lip quiver)
Beanie: Everything alright? It's rather late.
Olive: No... I'M SCARED!!!
Beanie: Er, ok... Ok, calm down. Of what exactly?
Olive: Of the big demon crow hacking me to pieces and the men who robbed the two flats downstairs. What if they are all in cahoots?!?
Beanie: I don't quite understand. Are you worried about security? If you are we can talk about putting in an alarm system.
Olive: I don't want to be alooooooone!
Beanie: Right... er, do you want me to come over?
Olive: (sob sob sob)
Beanie: This is awkward. Why don't we chat tomorrow about security and how we can improve it to make you feel safe.
Olive: Don't leave me!!
Beanie: Er... I'll stay on the phone as long as you want.
Olive: Thank you Beanie... (sob sob sob). I want you to hold me.
Beanie: I'm sorry what!?!
Olive: Er, I said I'm so glad you told me... that we can fix up the security...
Beanie: Right, ok.
Olive: You're the best landlord EVER.
Beanie: You're one heck of an interesting tenant.

Catch some Z's

Just stepped out of a gorgeous Dermalogica MicroZone Facial, all clean and glowy and happy and shiny. Was walking confidently down the road to my car, pleased with my new radiant countenance, when a show-stopping gust of wind, typical of the Cape, let loose and consequently blasted every last scrap of dirt, sand, paper, crap, road kill etc into my face. Since my moisturiser hadn't quite sunk in yet, the contents of the street adhered to my skin and I got into my car with a face characteristic of a chimney sweep. I was left to wipe it down with my white top. It was a toss up between that or an old sock. Fail.

Have massive issues with my back and neck at the moment. Which has caused me to have a headache for three consectuive days. Chemist deems it appropriate to sell me Norflex Co saying the usual Myprodols, Propains, Grandpas etc won't work since my headaches are muscle-based. He tells me that Norflex Co will relax all my muscles and get rid of my headache... Great, I think, popping two at once. What he failed to tell me was that taking two Norflex Co is about the equivalent of downing four tequilas and a glass of red wine. You feel totally inebriated and drowsy...

I just went to the office kitchen, put my cellphone in the sink and started to dial my mother on my dirty cereal bowl. You can see people talking, but you can't for the life of you figure out what they are saying. I'm certain my Editor just spoke to me in Cantonese, so I just nodded diligently... then I nodded off on my keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

A (not so) Jolly Robo-Olly

So what I thought was shaping out to be an invincible body part... those poor, unfortunate knees of mine are right back at square one after a measely 12-minute run.

Initially, thinking it was just temporary strain, I gave good ol' knee surgeon a buzz.

Doc: Hi Olive
Olive: Doc! So I was running... er, and now my knees are sore again. Should I just ice 'em and hold off for a day or two?
Doc: Are you experiencing serious pain, or just discomfort?
Olive: Well the serious pain is pretty discomforting.
Doc: So there is serious pain?
Olive: I would go with 'a rhythmic throbbing'. I wince if I walk too fast. I'm sure it's nothing.
Doc: That's bad. Let's get you in for an MRI. Might be a cartilage problem that is causing your tendonitis to recoccur and not heal, and a bla bla bla bla bla could cause a bla bla bla and I think we should check your bla bla bla and shave off a bla bla bla (knee jargon)....
Olive: MRI? Cartilage? ARE YOU GOING TO SHAVE OFF MY LEG??!?!
Doc: Yes, shall we schedule an amputation for Thursday 2pm?
Olive: I'll amputate your face.
Doc: You ask me that everytime! Now look after yourself until I see you.
Olive: K... (sad face)
Doc: No dancing.
Olive: K... (even sadder face)
Doc: And no heels!!!

Olive: Well there goes my social life.

Have requested application form for bionic knees.