Underwear Mare

So the other day, the most shameful thing happened. Possibly even more embarrassing than my naked stint with the neighbours during the heatwave (see The Naked Truth).

As I was leaving work, I decided to do a sneaky change in the car for gym – I don't own a lock and it saves time. In the car park at work I whipped off my jeans only to find that I had forgotten to pack my gym pants. Bugger. I'd have to pop home to pick those up. Started to drive home in my knickers when realised I'd have to put my jeans back on to run up to my flat so pulled them on at the next traffic light and continued to drive home, singing my heart out to Jason Mraz's 'I Won't Give Up'.

Arrived home and hopped out car, and bumped straight into one of my neighbours – 'Hot Trainer' I call him (not to his face), since he runs training sessions in our 'garden', and is often out there in a wife beater pumping dumbbells, his biceps glistening beneath the evening sun.

As he came over to say hi, I suddenly became aware of the fact that when I pulled on my jeans in the car, I hadn't done them up!!!

SHIIIIIT

It's not like I could just suddenly do them up mid convo. So, I stood there... Literally... through a 5-minute chat.. the front of my jeans wide open, fucshia and flourescent green 'flamingo' underwear staring him straight in the face. Tried to strategically hold my hangbag over the area, but it was simply too late. I caught him glimpsing at my crotch, his eyebrow raise, before his eyes quickly darted back to mine and a half smirk appeared on his face...

There was nothing I could do.

He knew it.

I knew it.

We knew it together.


Massive pink elephant.

Or pink flamingos in my case...

Safe to say half the neighbourhood has either seen me naked or in my knickers. Great. 

The Naked Truth

It's official. Each and every person in the block of flats opposite me has now seen me naked.

Not something I particularly wanted to happen. But something that had to happen, given this unbearable heatwave that has recently struck the Mother City.

Not that open windows actually help – but when you don't possess the luxury of aircon in your flat and can only boast a medium sized fan... well, you need to keep open any possible portal to the outside world... Just in case, by some confounding miracle, a small breeze happens to waft through, to temporarily alleviate what has now become a consistent state of perspiration.

Ergo, I keep my windows wide open, curtains wide open, front door wide open... And due to the fact that I find it inconceivable and profoundly challenging to wear clothing in this heat, I wander about my flat the way God intended, totally ignorant to any possible onlookers from the opposite building.

This was until last week, early evening, when I was – once again – naked, bending over (as you do) to apply moisturiser to my (very tanned, even though I say so myself) legs, while standing directly in front of the fan... when I became aware of a faint giggle in the background.

I stood up.

And there, on a balcony opposite, I spotted two boys, leisurely kicking back on deck chairs, eating from what could only be a bowl of popcorn, (one was even wearing his glasses!), and watching the whole show, high fiving one another at regular intervals.

CRAP

Instead of instinctly doing what any normal chick would do – grab a nearby item of clothing, book, photo frame, anything to cover self, or at least run the opposite way to the bathroom to find suitable attire – the only thing I simply HAD to do, in my mind, was to close the curtains... so I deemed it appropriate to run straight up to the window, consequently giving them a full frontal, just before I pulled the curtains closed and was enshrouded in darkness.

Their laughter rang out as I slunk to the floor and my room slowly morphed into Inferno.

Suddenly, phone rings. It's Vivi&Lola

Vivi&Lola: Hi Plum!
Olive: Shhhhhhh
Vivi&Lola: What on earth are you doing?
Olive: Can't talk.
Vivi&Lola: Are you alright?
Olive: Naked.
Vivi&Lola: WHAT?
Olive: Hiding.
Vivi&Lola: Where?!
Olive: They saw me naked!
Vivi&Lola: WHO saw you naked?
Olive: The men.
Vivi&Lola: Are you ok? Should I call the police? Should I come over?
Olive: Will you bring a few extra fans? I'm gonna need them.