Jeepers Creepers

I reached an all-time low last night.

Was heading out to sups when I was stopped in my tracks by a charming geriatric in my block of flats, who told me that two flats in our building had been broken into the previous day. I don't take this kind of shit lightly so I instantly started to panic. He told me not to worry, but just to be careful.

NOT TO WORRY?!?!

As I drove to dinner I decided, due to my extreme fear, I would have to break my no-drinking streak this week and smash a glass of wine or three to calm me down. But calm down I did not.

We arrived at the boys' house and enjoyed a lovely chorizo pasta dinner then settled down in front of the tele to watch tonight's scary movie: Jeepers Creepers.

 HOLY. CRAPNESS.

Have you ever watched that thing?! Demon Crow Man cuts off heads and eat tongues, and sews the heads back on. I don't think I've ever been that petrified in my life. Vivi&Lola lasted all of 15 minutes before going home to watch Care Bears and eat candy floss. I stuck it out for a further 20 minutes and realised that all I could think about was my flat being broken into and me coming home to said Demon Crow Man waiting to chop me up.

I raced to my car and began to freak out hysterically. Who could I call at 10:30 at night? With no dashing boyfriend to come to my rescue, my mother currently on a flight to London, my father - naked and in bed every night by 6pm, and step daddy probably out on the town, there was only one person left to call...

My landlord, BEANIE (if you don't know the story of Beanie, read this then this)!!!

Beanie: Er, hi Olive?
Olive: Hello. (Lip quiver)
Beanie: Everything alright? It's rather late.
Olive: No... I'M SCARED!!!
Beanie: Er, ok... Ok, calm down. Of what exactly?
Olive: Of the big demon crow hacking me to pieces and the men who robbed the two flats downstairs. What if they are all in cahoots?!?
Beanie: I don't quite understand. Are you worried about security? If you are we can talk about putting in an alarm system.
Olive: I don't want to be alooooooone!
Beanie: Right... er, do you want me to come over?
Olive: (sob sob sob)
Beanie: This is awkward. Why don't we chat tomorrow about security and how we can improve it to make you feel safe.
Olive: Don't leave me!!
Beanie: Er... I'll stay on the phone as long as you want.
Olive: Thank you Beanie... (sob sob sob). I want you to hold me.
Beanie: I'm sorry what!?!
Olive: Er, I said I'm so glad you told me... that we can fix up the security...
Beanie: Right, ok.
Olive: You're the best landlord EVER.
Beanie: You're one heck of an interesting tenant.

Screams, sweets and sequins

Watched the scariest movie of my life last night. Literally. And I suggested it! Told the boys – Dog and Skeet – I'd had enough of cars, spies and hot chicks in leather, that they needed to man up and watch a thriller. En route home from Simply Asia and DVD store, decided we needed something for the nerves (pudding). The tequila shop was closed so bought a tub of sour sweets from Woolies. There was enough sugar at the bottom of the tub for 17 cups of tea. Those things should come with a free dentist appointment. 

Got home, snuggled with boys under big sheep-skin blanky, tub of potential fillings on my lap and switched on The Strangers. A few minutes in I'd broken into a cold sweat and realised I'd stuffed four sour skateboards and two dolphins into my mouth all at once. After declaring in such confidence that I don't get freaked out by scary movies, refused to show boys I was on the brink on wetting my pants, and that I was imagining getting home later on (to lonesome bachelor pad) only to find murderer with axe banging on the front door. Would have to check back seat for masked blonde chick before I drove home. I pulled the blanket over my eyes whenever said masked murderer appeared on screen. Even let off a piercing scream and begged boys to make it stop. But they were totally into it. Or at least pretending to be. I definitely saw them jump when last night's hurricane katrina caused the windows to rattle violently!

Olive: "Oh my god. I saw a face at the window."
Skeet: "We're on the fifth floor Olive."
Olive: "I heard something in the kitchen"
Dog: "We can see the kitchen. Our flat is open-plan."
Olive: "Oh my god... Did you hear that?!?!?!"
Skeet: "Yes, it's your cellphone."


Whatevs... Bet they were so shit scared when I left that they slept in the same bed. Spooning.

Tonight am sporting sequins and feathers for Burlesque Night at Blakes Bar. Must go easy on the bubbly or may end up stealing someone's corset and busting out a Christina Aguilera-esque number on a bar stool. It's happened before...

BTW - have you heard about the film Constipation? It hasn't come out yet... ;)